I agree with Nick....

Following the first of three outings for what felt like The Goons reunion tour on ITV last Thursday night,  it seems from the aftermath to have been a momentous turning point in the career of a previously virtually-unknown figure in British politics. But enough about Alastair Stewart. Ninety minutes is a long time in politics: so long, in fact, that I suspect there will be many people among the viewing public who failed to stay the course of the entire sequence of rehearsed spontaneity. For the benefit of those people, what follows is a potted version of what they were trying to say. (If you wish to check this against what was actually said, you can see the full transcript by clicking here.) For the sake of brevity, I have included only each leader's initial answer to some of the questions, and a few choice highlights of the exchange between them.

Happy Hour (and a half) started with an opening gambit from each of the leaders:

Clegg: I wish to state again that my strategy is to alienate myself from these two jokers as often and as strongly as possible. I would also like to talk to you about greedy bankers. [Note to ITV: rhyming slang does not constitute a legitimate pre-watershed defence.]

Brown: The country is in a mess (I stress yet again as a result of the global financial crisis: nothing to do with me), but I'm here to make empty promises of improvement. Many of them will sound familiar because they are identical to the promises my party has made at the last two elections, and we've brought them back because we thought what better way to win an election than to use the same ideas that have won us the last three? Of course, to do that we have had to refrain from taking any action on them before now. That's why my plan is so much better than these guys': because it's been thirteen years in the making.

Cameron: I would like to cosy up to you by expressing the same dissatisfaction and horror as the public in the wake of the expenses scandal. This may have little bearing on major policy decisions and seem largely irrelevant to the opening of this debate: tough. Through gritted teeth I would also like to add that I think Labour have done some good things during their time in office, but only because my publicity co-ordinator has told me to.

How heartening that so much effort seemed to have gone into preparing something original and inspiring to say. Then came the questions:

Question: What key elements for a fair, workable immigration policy need to be put in place to actually make it work effectively? 

Brown: I can't tell you what needs to be done in the future, but I can tell you how wonderful I have been over my three years as PM. Isn't that nice of me? I think we'll choose to ignore the fact that the system doesn't really work: it's a minor detail.

Cameron: I would put a cap on immigration numbers having first stressed how badly Gordon has got it wrong, and how he has allowed it to affect our public services.

Clegg: Again, I would like to point out the failings of both other parties in the past. I would like to make immigration fair, and to ensure that this can happen, we have a policy that sounds brilliant but is in practice totally unrealistic. I think we can definitely trust all immigrants to go to a single place in the UK and never ever move.

Brown: Let's be honest [yes, Gordon, let's. Let us know when it happens.]: if there are any problems with the current migration figures, it's as a result of whatever the Conservatives did before 1997. Luckily, I have got one of my aides to manipulate these figures so that  they give the impression that we've done a good job. 

Cameron: I've met a black man who might have said that he thinks the system needs to be reformed. So it's not racist to want to put a cap on the numbers.

Clegg: I'm going to tell you a largely-incorrect story about a neo-natal ward that I visited that had no staff, which will illustrate my point rather nicely with only a few slight variations on the truth. 

Cameron: There are benefits to immigration, but it has spiralled out of control. The figures prove it.

Brown: I don't like these words. 

Of course you don't, Gordon. No doubt it would have been better if the Tory advisers could have got their figures from the same 'source' as you did.

Clegg: This is just another example of where both other parties have gone wrong. We need the regional approach. Let's bring it in and worry about logistics later.

Brown: I agree with Nick. [Please, Nick, if there is a hung Parliament, let me be Prime Minister.]

Cameron: Can I ask Nick how he intends to enforce regionalised immigration?

Clegg: Very easily.

Right. That's settled then.

Question: I was born and still work in Burnley, Lancashire. The town has the highest burglary rate per head of population in the entire country. What confidence can you give me that towns such as this all over the UK can be made safer places to live and work? 

Cameron: I went to Crosby the other day and saw that bad things are happening. I would therefore like to put burglars in prison: a novel concept after 13 years of Labour.

Clegg: I would like to emphasise that my constituency is in the North, and that I have been brilliant at reducing the crime rate amongst youngsters there. I Understand Northerners.

Brown: If it means that you will vote for me, I will tell you that we are going to do far more to reduce crime. However, before I do that, I would like to highlight that the crime rate is falling. Or at least it was during whichever timeframe my advisers decided to take the figures from. Parents need to take more responsibility for the behaviour of their children: that way, we can blame them when the figures go up again.

Cameron: Drug addicts are the worst offenders. Forget hug-a-hoodie: hug-a-junkie.

Clegg: And again, I say: I do nice things in the North.

Brown: The Conservatives will cut spending on police. As it is clearly ridiculous to expect a reduction in the absurd amount of unnecessary paperwork that we make them do, it is only reasonable to assume that this will result in fewer police on the street. 

Gordon actually said 'less police'. It's hard to decide which I find more unappealing: his inability to refrain from copious self-congratulation, or his poor command of the English language. The debate continued:

Brown: On an unrelated note, I haven't had an opportune moment so far to mention Lord Ashcroft, so in case the chance doesn't present itself I would like to remind the voting public of his existence.

Question: I own a pub, and people like to chat over a drink. Nothing's provoked more discussion than MPs' expenses. Given the recent scandals involving all parties, how are you intending to re-establish the credibility of MPs in the eyes of the electorate?

Clegg: Those who were involved deserve no credibility. Fortunately, although it's not strictly exactly true, I can say that no Lib Dem MPs abused the system: does that make me credible? [No.]

Brown: My parents always taught me to be honest. In the spirit of those values, I have decided to pass the Tory right-of-recall policy off as my own. It's a good idea, so we'll be having it. This topic also gives me an excellent opportunity to ask Nick again if I can be PM as long as we agree with him on electoral reform.

Cameron: I was really quite cross about the whole thing, and I told my lot to jolly well apologise. I'd also like to draw attention to corruption within Lib Dem funding circles, but I'll veil it with the measured remark that we're all to blame.

Brown: We're promising a referendum on electoral reform next year. Sound familiar?

Brown: I think we need to raise the standard of the debate here.

Probably best if you stop talking then, Gordon.

Question: I'm in my final year of school. I found that the system is incredibly grades-driven, so much so, that often education for its own sake is at sacrifice. We are over-examined and under-taught. What will the party leaders do to improve education?

Brown: Please see my answer on the crime question and replace 'police' with 'teachers'. 

Cameron: Please see my answer on the crime question and replace 'police' with 'teachers'.

Clegg: Please see what David Cameron just said and replace 'Conservative' with 'LibDem'.

Question: How certain can you be that your party's policies will deal with the budget deficits without damaging economic growth?

Cameron: Labour's jobs tax will kill the recovery. [That was definitely a spontaneous line.]

Clegg: We're going to be open and straight with you by putting meaningless, arbitrarily-estimated numbers in our manifesto. 

Brown: And again, I say: the recession was global. Not my fault. 

Repeat ad inifinitum. Finally the Dimbleby impersonator put a stop to it:

Alastair Stewart: I think I'm going to park it there.

There is a God.

Question: British troops seem to be dying unnecessarily and far too frequently. In my opinion, they are under-equipped and massively underpaid. What assurances can you give the armed forces that things will improve?  

Clegg: If we don't replace Trident, we'll be totally unprotected if there's ever a nuclear threat, but we will at least be able to keep soldiers' pay the same.

Brown: In a bid to prove myself as an orator, I am going to answer by paying homage to our armed services. I shall also illustrate that this is yet another area in which we have massively increased beaurocracy, and hence our spending figures have skyrocketed. That makes us look brilliant.

Cameron: I'm also going to pay tribute, which will make me seem like I have the upper hand when I go on to criticise Gordon rather than going into our policy.

Clegg: Did I mention I'm from Sheffield?

Only about as many times as the Prime Minister claimed to agree with you. You could, perhaps, ask these people to make you up some merchandise.

The questions continued, and the boredom set in. Then came the summing-up:

Cameron: I echo my own earlier sentiments about the jobs tax.  

Clegg: I would essentially like to say exactly what I said at the start, but in a cynical bid to prove that I have listened, I am also going to recite the name of each of tonight's questioners. 

Brown: I would rather have been watching The X Factor. 

Gordon, it seems likely that many would go so far as to say that they would rather have been watching paint dry on the basis of the amount of charisma you showed. The sense of anticipation for next week's episode is palpable. 

...And finally: let this be a lesson to us all not to make flippant remarks about Boris on a mobility scooter.