Campaign Day 3 round-up

As I write, news has just dropped into my RSS feed of the Conservative campaign event this evening, and its part-focus on education. "More control on discipline" is the message from Cameron. One wonders whether this is in reference to behaviour in schools or in the Commons after yesterday's display at PMQs; either way, John Humphrys made a premature start on the discipline crackdown while interviewing the PM this morning. In essence, the discussion on the economy can be thus rendered:

Humphrys: "You stoked up a boom and the bust was inevitable. That suggests the economy is not safe in your hands."

Brown: If I quote enough figures about high interest rates and inflation during the 80s, maybe I won't have to talk about the mess I've made.

JH: I want to test your record. You claimed that the days of boom and bust were over. Do you have any regrets about encouraging people to borrow and spend?

GB: The recession was the result of a global banking crisis, so it wasn't my fault.

[repeat ad infinitum]

The Prime Minister swiftly followed with a reply that began hopefully: "I'm going to be straight with you..."; of course, the optimism stoked by this opening gambit swiftly dwindled once it became clear that the essence of what followed was, once again: "none of it was my fault". At face value, this seems a rather vacuous stance to take, so it was a relief when Blameless Brown deigned to elaborate, at which point it became obvious to everybody that the recession and everything connected therewith (including Labour's blatant failure to regulate the banks stringently prior to the collapse) was actually the fault of the Americans. As long as that's clear. To digress briefly onto the topic of bank regulation, the Tories must have been delighted to have been credited with such powerful influence over the government as this:

JH: Why didn't you regulate the City more heavily?

GB: [translated] Because the Conservatives said we were being too tough.

Forced between a rock and a hard place on the subject of the NI increase once again, Humphrys questioned why, if he was not being intentionally patronising, the PM felt it necessary to point out the supposed flaws in the Tory policy:

JH: Are they [the businessmen] so thick that they can't spot what you've spotted?

GB: I attach no blame. I ask them to read what I've read.

JH: Don't you think they've already read it?

GB: It was only in the FT this morning.

JH: I expect they probably read the FT.

Then came the crowning glory: we now know exactly where Labour intend to make the notorious cuts required to reduce the deficit. When pushed on this, the PM started well. He mentioned pension funds (and we know he's no stranger to helping himself there) to begin with: all very well and good, but still leaves us with a long way to go. Then came the moment of clarity: postage stamps. Of course. It's been so obvious all the way along.  If the entire public sector uses email instead of post, it will, of course, make a huge dent in the colossal  national debt. Gordon - that's inspired; we await the postal strikers' retalliation with bated breath. Having prevented the PM from attempting to answer on policy questions by repeating yet again an explanation of what's wrong with the Tories, Humphrys concluded with some questioning on life after the election. Perhaps with the following in mind, Tony and Gordon aren't so many millions of miles apart after all:

JH: If you lose the election, will you cope?

GB: I've written books and speeches and will continue doing so.

JH: If re-elected, will you stay for the full five years? Lord Mandelson has hinted that there is some question over this.

GB: Yes.

Sound familiar? The following of the former answer with "if I ask Tony, he might help me with my business plan" was almost audible.

Later in the morning, the Tories enlisted the help of one Michael Caine to promote their National Citizens' Service initiative, and got more than they bargained for when he gave them momentary promotion to government. Maybe he knows something we don't... The BBC pictured him next to a young man with a rather impressive ginger afro (see below) who had surely got lost on his way to the LibDem campaign trail. The award for the most predictable (and also least funny) joke of the day goes to David Cameron: "As a project I hope it does a bit more than just blow the bloody doors off." One wonders if he came up with that gag and then decided to get Sir Michael to endorse the idea.

Elsewhere, it seemed that the ginger Leo Sayer was not the only one to have got waylaid his way to the day's hotspots of LibDem activity. Nick Robinson reported for the BBC that "At 6:30 this morning Miriam Clegg asked her husband over breakfast where he was going. His reply was telling: 'Where am I not going?' A more pertinent question might have been 'Who are you meeting?' The answer would have been 'Virtually no-one.' " Although, given that he spent the day standing in front of a recycled poster haphazardly plastered onto the side of a chip van, perhaps that was a blessing. So, Mr Clegg spent the day speaking to a grand total of no voters - there's nothing quite like a bit of high-profile electioneering. And that, Mr Clegg, was certainly nothing like it. He did have a brief interview with Uncle Nick, though, and dug himself into a hole over VAT interpreted as follows:

NR: Will you guarantee not to put up VAT?

NC: no, but I'm not going to admit it.

NR: So why are you criticising the Tories for saying that they won't?

NC: If I talk about the fact that I disagree with the Tory tax breaks, I won't have to admit that you've just made a very good point.

Back to the Labour trail, then, and their first major press conference of the campaign. The irony of Brown's claim that the Tories' economic policy had been "scribbled on the back of an envelope" was not lost on those of us who heard his big idea to make spending cuts on postage in his earlier interview on Radio 4. Presumably said envelope will form part of the efficiency savings: with the Tories' cutback figures on it, it'll instantly halve the deficit in itself. Problem solved. In a later press conference, the Prime Minister used the Milband Major tried-and-tested trick of taking numerous questions at once in order to be able to discard any deemed unpalatable, supposedly without anyone noticing. The point at which he had to ask to be reminded of what one of the questions was was a bit of a giveaway on that score, though. Plan B was to palm them off on someone else when the going got tough. Let's hope that Lord Mandelson and David Miliband will be on hand at every opportunity to help Gordon when he finds the questions too difficult.

So, the key issues of the day seem to have been yet again related almost entirely on the economy; unsurprising, although one hopes for some more prominent branching-out before long. With any luck the publication of the manifestos in the next few days will bring with it some much-needed variety. And possibly less spontaneous laughter when former members of the Cabinet profess to be 'honest and straightforward'. (Thank you, Hazel Blears.)

...And finally: today's gem of hilarity comes from Mike Gapes, Labour MP for Ilford South, who gave his own marvellous analysis of UKIP's handling of claims that one of their candidates, Paul Wiffen, had been making racist remarks: "There is an unpleasant whiff about Mr Wiffen", said Mr Gapes. One might extrapolate with a parallel analysis of the holes in Labour's saving plans.