Campaign Day 4 round-up

With so much talk of cuts, savings and efficiencies over the last few days, it was frankly a blessed relief to have the National Insurance row briefly interrupted by the first major scandal of the campaign on Friday. Yes, the disastrously-inappropriate tweeting on the part of young Stuart MacLennan led to his suspension from the Labour Party and removal as candidate for Moray; ironically, Mr MacLennan appeared to have predicted his fate, having tweeted that “Iain Dale reckons the biggest gaffes will likely be made by candidates on Twitter – what are the odds it will be me?” Well, Stuart, pretty high as it turned out. Perhaps Ladbrokes will be willing to offer you a way out of your current unemployment. Incidentally, it's possible that a certain Mr Hague in his younger years may have sympathised with MacLennan's affinity with alcohol - at one point MacLennan tweeted that "I think I might be sober for the first time in four days" - although on the other hand possibly not: on Saturday, Hague told reporters whilst ordering a Burger King that "the days of fourteen pints are behind me". Now come on, William: that's hardly the talk of a true Northerner.

It seems that the warning to other politicians of the dangers of online electioneering are unlikely to temper the efforts of John Prescott, who, perhaps surprisingly, is one of the most active tweeters and bloggers of them all; maybe the restriction on Twitter of 140 characters per message is a useful exercise for him in learning how to complete a coherent sentence. His solo 'Go 4th' campaign is being religiously documented on his blog (although has received disappointingly little media coverage), a highlight of which has undoubtedly been recent comparison of campaign transport. It appears that in light of the Labour Party's dire financial position, Mr Prescott has forsaken the Jaguar(s), and is traversing Britain in a Transit van, stopping only to showcase his 'Vote Labour' mobility scooter (see here) on the ground; a new nickname is undoubtedly in order.

Mobility scooter in tow, anyone could be forgiven for thinking that Mr Prescott is on the prowl to woo the so-called 'grey vote'. And he wasn't the only one to be doing so on Friday; believe it or not, he probably wasn't the least subtle, either. Cameron's first campaign method to draw the mature voter to him was to visit the Chelsea Pensioners, and it seemed clear that in order to make a good impression, he would need a companion: someone at the cutting edge of Conservativism, on the ball, with an encyclopaedic knowledge of policy, and the unfaltering ability to present themselves as having at least a vague idea of why they had been asked to be there. So of course Boris was the obvious choice. Oh dear. Having suggested off the cuff during a photo shoot (in the midst of spouting jovial war cries at the pensioners) that Tory plans for a voluntary National Citizens' service should be made compulsory (a tack completely at odds with official policy), he later told the BBC that he had meant 'as compulsory as is possible without really cheesing people off'. Well done, Boris; one can only hope for amusement's sake that he will have had some hand in crafting the manifesto - visions of "we'll cut benefits for serial cheats - but only if they've been really really naughty" come immediately to mind. I wonder if Cameron should take inspiration from Mobililty Scooter Prescott and pack Boris off in a transit van with only a blogger for company. Perhaps he could go to Liverpool again. They would probably love that. 

Earlier that same day, Mr Cameron had faced a tirade of questions from the Today Programme, most of which he did manage (disappointingly for the purposes of writing this) to give reasonably straight answers to. Even this one (almost):

Evan Davis: Which daily newspaper are you most naturally drawn to?

Cameron:  Now is not the time to make enemies of newspaper editors. I try to answer questions but I'm going to dodge that one... oh, the Daily Star.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, David. 

Sadly, the distraction from the debate over the economy did not last all day, and the evening brought with it a rather heated exchange between the Chancellor and his shadow presided over by Jon Sopel, the gist of which was as follows:

Jon Sopel: We've brought together the Chancellor and George Osborne to try to get to the bottom of how severe job losses will be after the election. [For a start, this was surely wishful thinking.]

JS: We've heard an admission from the treasury that there will be job losses. Can you tell us how many?

Alistair Darling: The Tories have essentially said that they're going to cut jobs as well. (They actually haven't said that at all but I look better if they look worse. They started it.)

George Osborne: Why don't you publish the report from the Treasury that states where jobs will be cut now rather than waiting until after the election?

AD: I don't have an excuse not to, but if I quote yet again where I think the holes are in the Tories' plans for long enough, people will forget what the question was. In fact, so will I.

 GO: How many job cuts will there be?

AD: Our budget adds up. Between none and some. Probably.

And thus the first week of campaigning drew to a close. Anyone hoping for some sort of respite over the weekend, however, was no doubt sadly disappointed.

...And finally: LibDem leader Nick Clegg spent some of the day visiting a care home, one of the residents of which, Beryl Seal, offered the following inspired observation of the Tory leader: "He's a bit of a wet duck in a thunderstorm, isn't he?"

Campaign Day 3 round-up

As I write, news has just dropped into my RSS feed of the Conservative campaign event this evening, and its part-focus on education. "More control on discipline" is the message from Cameron. One wonders whether this is in reference to behaviour in schools or in the Commons after yesterday's display at PMQs; either way, John Humphrys made a premature start on the discipline crackdown while interviewing the PM this morning. In essence, the discussion on the economy can be thus rendered:

Humphrys: "You stoked up a boom and the bust was inevitable. That suggests the economy is not safe in your hands."

Brown: If I quote enough figures about high interest rates and inflation during the 80s, maybe I won't have to talk about the mess I've made.

JH: I want to test your record. You claimed that the days of boom and bust were over. Do you have any regrets about encouraging people to borrow and spend?

GB: The recession was the result of a global banking crisis, so it wasn't my fault.

[repeat ad infinitum]

The Prime Minister swiftly followed with a reply that began hopefully: "I'm going to be straight with you..."; of course, the optimism stoked by this opening gambit swiftly dwindled once it became clear that the essence of what followed was, once again: "none of it was my fault". At face value, this seems a rather vacuous stance to take, so it was a relief when Blameless Brown deigned to elaborate, at which point it became obvious to everybody that the recession and everything connected therewith (including Labour's blatant failure to regulate the banks stringently prior to the collapse) was actually the fault of the Americans. As long as that's clear. To digress briefly onto the topic of bank regulation, the Tories must have been delighted to have been credited with such powerful influence over the government as this:

JH: Why didn't you regulate the City more heavily?

GB: [translated] Because the Conservatives said we were being too tough.

Forced between a rock and a hard place on the subject of the NI increase once again, Humphrys questioned why, if he was not being intentionally patronising, the PM felt it necessary to point out the supposed flaws in the Tory policy:

JH: Are they [the businessmen] so thick that they can't spot what you've spotted?

GB: I attach no blame. I ask them to read what I've read.

JH: Don't you think they've already read it?

GB: It was only in the FT this morning.

JH: I expect they probably read the FT.

Then came the crowning glory: we now know exactly where Labour intend to make the notorious cuts required to reduce the deficit. When pushed on this, the PM started well. He mentioned pension funds (and we know he's no stranger to helping himself there) to begin with: all very well and good, but still leaves us with a long way to go. Then came the moment of clarity: postage stamps. Of course. It's been so obvious all the way along.  If the entire public sector uses email instead of post, it will, of course, make a huge dent in the colossal  national debt. Gordon - that's inspired; we await the postal strikers' retalliation with bated breath. Having prevented the PM from attempting to answer on policy questions by repeating yet again an explanation of what's wrong with the Tories, Humphrys concluded with some questioning on life after the election. Perhaps with the following in mind, Tony and Gordon aren't so many millions of miles apart after all:

JH: If you lose the election, will you cope?

GB: I've written books and speeches and will continue doing so.

JH: If re-elected, will you stay for the full five years? Lord Mandelson has hinted that there is some question over this.

GB: Yes.

Sound familiar? The following of the former answer with "if I ask Tony, he might help me with my business plan" was almost audible.

Later in the morning, the Tories enlisted the help of one Michael Caine to promote their National Citizens' Service initiative, and got more than they bargained for when he gave them momentary promotion to government. Maybe he knows something we don't... The BBC pictured him next to a young man with a rather impressive ginger afro (see below) who had surely got lost on his way to the LibDem campaign trail. The award for the most predictable (and also least funny) joke of the day goes to David Cameron: "As a project I hope it does a bit more than just blow the bloody doors off." One wonders if he came up with that gag and then decided to get Sir Michael to endorse the idea.

Elsewhere, it seemed that the ginger Leo Sayer was not the only one to have got waylaid his way to the day's hotspots of LibDem activity. Nick Robinson reported for the BBC that "At 6:30 this morning Miriam Clegg asked her husband over breakfast where he was going. His reply was telling: 'Where am I not going?' A more pertinent question might have been 'Who are you meeting?' The answer would have been 'Virtually no-one.' " Although, given that he spent the day standing in front of a recycled poster haphazardly plastered onto the side of a chip van, perhaps that was a blessing. So, Mr Clegg spent the day speaking to a grand total of no voters - there's nothing quite like a bit of high-profile electioneering. And that, Mr Clegg, was certainly nothing like it. He did have a brief interview with Uncle Nick, though, and dug himself into a hole over VAT interpreted as follows:

NR: Will you guarantee not to put up VAT?

NC: no, but I'm not going to admit it.

NR: So why are you criticising the Tories for saying that they won't?

NC: If I talk about the fact that I disagree with the Tory tax breaks, I won't have to admit that you've just made a very good point.

Back to the Labour trail, then, and their first major press conference of the campaign. The irony of Brown's claim that the Tories' economic policy had been "scribbled on the back of an envelope" was not lost on those of us who heard his big idea to make spending cuts on postage in his earlier interview on Radio 4. Presumably said envelope will form part of the efficiency savings: with the Tories' cutback figures on it, it'll instantly halve the deficit in itself. Problem solved. In a later press conference, the Prime Minister used the Milband Major tried-and-tested trick of taking numerous questions at once in order to be able to discard any deemed unpalatable, supposedly without anyone noticing. The point at which he had to ask to be reminded of what one of the questions was was a bit of a giveaway on that score, though. Plan B was to palm them off on someone else when the going got tough. Let's hope that Lord Mandelson and David Miliband will be on hand at every opportunity to help Gordon when he finds the questions too difficult.

So, the key issues of the day seem to have been yet again related almost entirely on the economy; unsurprising, although one hopes for some more prominent branching-out before long. With any luck the publication of the manifestos in the next few days will bring with it some much-needed variety. And possibly less spontaneous laughter when former members of the Cabinet profess to be 'honest and straightforward'. (Thank you, Hazel Blears.)

...And finally: today's gem of hilarity comes from Mike Gapes, Labour MP for Ilford South, who gave his own marvellous analysis of UKIP's handling of claims that one of their candidates, Paul Wiffen, had been making racist remarks: "There is an unpleasant whiff about Mr Wiffen", said Mr Gapes. One might extrapolate with a parallel analysis of the holes in Labour's saving plans.

Questions, questions, questions...

Today, the doors of the Commons have closed for the last time this Parliament, and yesterday saw the last weekly clash between the two titans of modern politics (an accolade now taken over by Sir Michael Caine) at the despatch box. The dialogue between the two leaders might lend itself rather well to a remake of The Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketch...

Cameron's opener came somewhat out of left field in a move away from the key election issues, and the subtext of the PM's answer showed that he has evidently learned a lot about trust and honesty from his thirteen years in government (incidentally, perhaps this is why he has chosen to have Lord Mandelson at the forefront of the Labour campaign, known as he is for being an honest man of total integrity):

Cameron: As this is the last Prime Minister’s questions of this Parliament, it is the last chance for this Prime Minister to show that he is accountable for the decisions that he has made. Will he start by admitting that when British forces were sent into Helmand, they did not have sufficient helicopters to protect themselves and get the job done?

PM: The Commanding Officers in charge of the operation told us that they were properly equipped. [subtext: As a seasoned politician, I have learned to take everything that anyone says at face value.]

Later, Big Dave attempted to lead the PM down that path of National Insurance misfortune once more by trying to corner him into repeating the infamous line that the scores of businessmen supporting the Tory line on NI have been 'deceived'. Sadly for David, the PM isn't as lacking in intelligence or ability for autonomous thought as he would imply the businessmen are, and he constructed an ingenius and strikingly-original retort which might just as well be paraphrased: "The Tories are wrong." In response to further probing about potential tax rises:

DC: Is not the truth this: that this Prime Minister would wreck the recovery by putting a tax on every job, on everyone earning over £20,000—a tax on aspiration, a tax on every business in the country? This Government would wreck the recovery.

GB: [translation] I'm going to quote some statistics from the past on unrelated issues that are likely to be largely incorrect.

Towards the end of the session, no one would have batted an eyelid if there had been complaints about the questions not being relevant enough to the answers. The gist of the brief exchange between the PM and Nick Clegg was thus:

Clegg: Why should we trust a word the government says on political reform?

Brown: It was almost certainly the Conservatives' fault if we lied.

...and in what was potentially his final answer in PMQs, Brown had clearly decided ahead of time that he would close by showcasing himself as a diplomat, statesman, man of conviction, and to move away from unrelenting Tory-smearing as an election tactic. Verbatim:

Questioner: Given the allegations surrounding Glasgow city council and the demands for an inquiry—I believe that the idea of an inquiry is supported by former leader Steven Purcell and Labour businessman Willie Haughey—will the Prime Minister support such an investigation, or is he afraid that there is something to hide?

GB: The hon. Gentleman came down to this Parliament and he spent most of his time voting with the Conservative party. He should go back to Scotland and explain why, instead of voting for jobs, he is voting with the Conservative party in Parliament

Perhaps the implication here is that accusing someone of being a Tory sympathiser is a valid counter-argument for any subject of debate; that would certainly go a long way towards explaining most of the Labour campaign thus far.

The curtain may have fallen on questions in the Commons until the new Parliament convenes, but there is sure to be a boundless variety of the things put to each and every candidate as the campaign progresses. If the evidence here is anything to go by, the answers will be considerably less boundlessly variable...

Campaign Day 2 round-up

It's been an action-packed day full of scrabblings to get the washing up done, and concerted efforts to dodge as many questions as possible. (By the way, I'm hoping that I might be able to offer some more insightful satire as the campaign moves on, but am currently having the inspiration sapped from me by the dulcet tones of David Miliband dropping every 't' in the English language in a truly Blair-esque fashion on Question Time. He'll develop a comedy tan and an American accent next.) I've included a few of Day 1's 'best bits' here as well as today's; without further ado, the lowdown on the start of a long month....

To kick off any election campaign, there's nothing like a bit of positive thinking and inspiration from the government to convince us all that they believe firmly enough in their own policies not to have to resort to smear-campaigning right from Day One. Hang on... this was the gist of Miliband Minor's first campaign encounter with the media:


Huw Edwards: What can the Labour Party promise the people of Britain this election?
Ed Miliband: Well, you shouldn't vote for the Tories because they're rubbish.


Meanwhile, David 'Big Dave' Cameron was trying to steer away from such dirty talk, and gave a speech in which the message was essentially: 'I am credible.' (I paraphrase, of course.) Thing is, Big Dave, that that should be a given. Although, to be completely fair, if true, it does constitute a unique selling point in this campaign.


As we moved into Day 2, LibDem leader Nick Clegg was clearly so enraptured by the credible Cameron that he momentarily lost any sense of political conviction. (Is this an excuse that the LibDems should use more often?) On this morning's Radio 4 Today Programme, the conversation, in essence, could be paraphrased thus:


Jim Naughtie: What do you actually believe?
Nick Clegg: I don't know.


Little Jimmy Naughtie wasn't the only BBC hard man asking the hard questions today. Having faced a torrent of jeering in PMQs at 12 noon (more to follow on that tomorrow when Hansard is published), Gordon Brown then had to avoid the following painfully-simple questions from Uncle Nick Robinson:


Uncle Nick: Would you work with another party to keep the Conservatives out?
Beloved PM: The people will make their decision in this election. [Translation: I'm going to dodge this question by distracting you with the bleeding obvious.]


Robinson: Who was deceived by the Tories' policy on the proposed NI increase?
Gordon [translated]: I would prefer to talk about why the Tories are wrong than have to go back down a path that has been strewn with cowpats for me by Peter Mandelson.


Brown: We're going to offer a referendum on electoral reform [like Tony Blair 'offered' a referendum on the EU constitution in 2005].


The first Party Leader of the day to make a full-blown speech was Nick 'Bruiser' Clegg, who appears to be going for the most aggressive fighting talk possible to eliminate any chance of either major side wanting to unite with the LibDems in the event of a hung parliament. I suppose this may be for fear that they may have to take time out of their packed schedule of wafting around, and take some decisive action (heaven forbid). The gist of the speech was as follows:


Nick Clegg: I don't have any policies, so I'm going to make long speeches claiming that every last member of the Labour and Tory Parties are corruption-ridden sleazeballs and compare them to well-known sitcom characters in the hope that people will laugh with me rather than at me for a change.


Meanwhile, Big Dave Cameron was hitting the hyperbole hard. In essence:


Big Dave: If I claim that Labour will tax abstract concepts like 'aspiration', it will make it sound like they're even more tax-happy than they are.


So, there we have it. First overview of the action. I'll aim to finish each day with an amusing quip or story from the day's press...


And finally... The award for the most ingenius/underhand dirty-tricks campaigning method goes to John Prescott: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_20
10/8608153.stm

And so it begins....

So, it's fair to say I got quite over-excited at the prospect of another General Election. Having made a few sarcastic remarks in passing to friends (i.e., a certain lawyer friend of mine), I've been persuaded (although would like to stress that I am doing this grudgingly until I'm convinced that anyone actually thinks it's any good) that the blogging world would benefit from my 'paraphrases' of comments, cliches and claims made by the foremost politicians in this campaign. Some say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit; if you go along with that, this probably isn't for you. But I'll be aiming to collect gems of stupidity, genius and incomprehensibility, as well as offering my take on what I think they really mean (or at least, offering a shallow attempt at being amusing). Who knows, I might even be writing less gibberish than this by the end of it all...

Note: if this blog gets any more than two readers, you can call me Geoffrey.